A-level results day: what not to say to your child

The envelope is open. The grades are not the ones anyone was hoping for, and the kitchen has gone very quiet. Results are out today, and for the families where the numbers came up short, the next few minutes matter more than they look. What you say now, and what you hold back, can shape how your child handles the days that follow.

That is the view of Dr Richard Anderson, Director of Learning at online training provider High Speed Training, who has shared advice for parents whose children open results that fall short of what they were counting on.

Start with what they have already done

Whatever appears on the page, Richard’s first point is that every student took their own route to reach it. He suggests reminding them of the hurdles they cleared along the way, and treating the result as a mark of their effort rather than a verdict on it.

“Whatever results students are faced with, remembering that each individual has experienced their own, personal journey to get there is vital,” he said. “Remind them of the obstacles they’ve overcome to get to this point.”

For a teenager looking at grades below what they expected, he says the feelings arrive in a rush, disappointment and panic among them. The thing to hold onto is that they did their best, and that one set of results will not decide everything that comes after.

“These results won’t be the sole determinant of their future success,” Richard said.

The questions to leave unasked

Here is where a well-meaning parent can do damage without meaning to. The urge to ask why more revision did not happen, or to pick over the subjects that went worst, is a natural one. Richard’s advice is to resist it.

“Avoid asking questions like ‘why didn’t you revise harder?’ or focusing on subjects they underperformed in,” he said. “If they’re already disappointed in their performance, these questions will only serve to undermine their self confidence and make them feel worse.”

The plan is not off the table

Plenty of students assume that missing their target grades shuts the door on the future they had pictured. Richard says that assumption is worth pulling apart.

“It may be that their chosen university will still accept students who speak to them directly, whether on their preferred course or a similar course that they can later transfer from,” he said. Beyond that, he points to clearing, apprenticeships and internships as ways to reach the same destination.

“There isn’t one linear process that every student needs to follow,” Richard said. “By reminding yourself and your child of this, you open up a much wider variety of possibilities for them to explore.”

Do not rush the big decisions

The last thing Richard suggests is to slow down. When the results are not what a family hoped for, he says there is no need to settle anything on the spot.

“Take time to let feelings and emotions die down so that you’re both able to see the bigger picture,” he said. “There’s no immediate rush to make a decision, regardless of the outcome you’ve been faced with.”

He also points parents back towards the people already around their child. School and college staff are a ready-made network, trained for exactly this moment, and worth leaning on before anything is decided.

“Trained careers advisors can also help your child by providing a personalised plan of action based on the career path they have in mind,” Richard said.